so, I'm sitting here in my house thinking about a lot of rotten bullshit.. like, the decay of individuality and personality.. where did everything go wrong?? if you can't see it, open you eyes, or it's all gonna come crashing down you on.. we dangle hopes in front of each other and trust, but smash it all down in the end.. what's wrong with us all?? isn't there something dwelling inside that means much more than ALL of this?? I feel like something is completely missing.. I have good things; my friends and family and yet somehow this scene that is my life plays in front of a dark background.. why do we always wonder how things could be better?? is it because they just fucking could be and I don't see something that is right in front of my face.. maybe this blog is more questions than thoughts.. but maybe questions lead to thoughts.. see?? I miss seeing people smile, not showing teeth.. maybe I feel like I'm drowning in a lost generation.. or maybe I'm fucked up.. who knows??
I've started to slowly give up on people because it seems like people have slowly started to give up on themselves.. I have seen a lot and have done a lot, yet I have only begun to realize what I want in life.. a lot of people think I'm conceited, or stuck up because I'm loud a lot of the time and I look like an bitch.. But i am a bitch.. I usually talk and have a lot to say unlike most of the people my age who seem to talk just to be heard.. if you haven't realized, I have a very shitty outlook on humanity these days.. I believe that there are still some good people in this world but most are being consumed by false idols and Myspace scene points.. the amount of "friends" on your Myspace does not impress me nor does it make you anything.. Myspace doesn't make you famous.. if anything, it makes you look like an idiot.. but if you're a good person, I'll give ya a chance
I'm not brutal, I'm not core.. I'm not legend and I'm not at the disco.. scary kids are not scaring me.. I'm nothing more to you than pixels on your screen.. I'm not on fire, I don't wear prada.. I'm definitely not the new cancer.. and I really don't give a fuck if fake is the new real
I'm Faith, my life is changing.. I'm losing friends, I'm losing enemies.. I'm gaining family and it's better than yours.. I'm everything you wish you were and nothing you want.. I'm what your parents warned you about.. I'm not like any other girl you'll meet.. I'm happy with my life.. but there's always room for improvement.. I'll never meet your standards and you have no idea how happy that makes me.. I don't owe you shit and I contradict myself with every move I make.. chances are, you don't mean anything to me but if you do, you know it.. again, I'm not conceited in the least so don't expect your putdowns to affect me.. ohh and uhh a tip on finding out who your real friends are.. don't get your license for a while.. I don't need you in my life but I probably wouldn't mind if you were.. I'm not special or unique.. and I know we're all condemned to lead the lives society has set for us.. but I also know, I'm going to fight it to the fucking bitter end.. I believe in reform, not anarchy.. I believe in a higher power, just haven't given it a name, yet.. my religious views have no typical structure
and most importantly.. as hard as you will try.. you'll never understand me.. because not even I do
I'm the Element Bitch
and hating me will not make you pretty
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love.. what is love?? is it an acronym for something?? is it a word that we use freely?? do we just tell anyone, "hey, how ya doing, I love you"?? do we use the words 'I love you' to get what we want?? for example; telling your parents 'I love you' to borrow the car.. what about telling your parents that you love them because they just gave you something.. is that love?? what about telling the girl or guy that are intimate with that you love them to receive sex from them?? a lot of people use the word as a figure of speech.. can you love any and everything?? can you really love that belt?? can you really love that diamond ring?? can you really love that car?? what about your house, can you really love that?? what about that girl you are cheating on your girlfriend or wife with, do you really love her?? and the guy you are cheating on your boyfriend or husband with, do you love him?? do you love your dog or cat?? do they love you back?? how do they know what love is?? I looked in the dictionary and love is defined as:
"love (luv) n. 1. a deep, tender feeling of affection and solitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship or a sense of oneness. 2. a feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance."
some may mistake infatuation for love.. they are two different things
"infatuation (in-fach'oo-a'shen) n. 1. a foolish, unreasoning, or extravagant passion or attraction. 2. an object of extravagant, short-lived passion."
infatuation is short-lived whereas love lasts forever.. now think about this, have you ever thought that you loved someone, and now that you read this you realize you were only infatuated with them?? I know I have.. but it's a mistake that everyone makes.. we are human.. now think about the people you actually love.. it shouldn't be "did love, but love" because love lasts forever.. have you ever loved someone so much that you would do anything for them?? even die for them?? even if this person hurts you a hundred times a hundred, are still going to love this person?? that's what love is all about.. loving unconditionally.. I think we could all use a good understanding of what love really is.. it is a term freely thrown around and through time has lost its value
"all love that has not friendship for its base, is like a mansion built upon sand"
-Ella Wheeler Wilcox
"infantile love follows the principle: "I love you because I am loved".. mature love follows the principle: "I am loved because I love".. immature love says: "I love you because I need you".. mature loves says: "I need you because I love you"."
-Erich Fromm
"love never dies a natural death.. it dies because we don't know how to replenish its source.. it dies of blindness and errors and betrayals.. it dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing"
-Anais Nin
I find people are either two things these days....with exceptions of those in between the two extremes.. those are 1) people who are full of themselves, or 2) people who are full of shit.. life isn't about finding that perfect someone, that perfect romance, etc.. success isn't measured by your ability to have a successful relationship with an intimate partner.. life is about happiness and finding yourself.. owning up to your actions and doing something worthwhile with your time here.. so many people get caught up in relationships and the whole chasing game that they lose sight of self and the importance of following your own dreams and not letting people hinder your ability to be great.. I've been caught up in this ideal logy myself.. with everyday we live, we learn, we grow, we experience new things and we make decisions that will change our lives forever.. I see so many people caught up with relationships; good ones, bad ones, petty ones.. people seem to stay in them because they fear loneliness.. NEWSFLASH: we are all, ultimately, alone.. there's only one voice in your head.. internally, you are alone.. but we are so caught up with the external that we forget we have minds and thoughts, dreams and fantasies
life is not the bitch.. love is.. and it's burden of confusion, frustration, time consumption, and disabling of self-identitiy
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earth?
And I know what won't ever sink,
Will slowly swim to the bottom.
the crop. and the pest. lately it seems that my life is plagued by indecision. over miniscule things and things that can determine my path for the rest of my life. contradicting emotions, thoughts are eating me alive. there are some things that no matter how hard i try, i can never get away from. the other night i had a deep conversation with a friend, where i feel i probably said and revealed things i should not of, but that conversation is just a thing of the past. vunerability was cranking it's wheels and working hard, but then again i realize what was talking.
i wish i could go back into my childhood, knowing what i know now, and address some issues that perhaps reside repressed within. it would do me a bunch of good. in the past, i would say, no i wouldn't go change a thing about my past, it made me who i am today, i learned from my mistakes, but at this moment i'm torn on whether i would keep my answer the same if asked that question tonight. i feel like getting over this obstacle in my life has proved to be a trying one, for lack of better words.
its incredibly disturbing the lack of reality individuals seem to hold. why not get a grip and actually allow yourself to feel, even for a split second what's going on without brushing it off. why is it that catastrophically bothering events to me, are no big deal to others? i'm tired of people rejecting indviduals without even realizing that individuals potential. i'm tired of individuals relying so heavily on me, i need to hold everything up otherwise i'm a complete disappointment. i'm tired of the corruption of society. i'm just tired. there's the world. the earth. such a big place, and the majority is filled with negativity. how can such a phenomenon go to total shit? disaster. despair. i'm still trying to get a full grasp on that.
my mind is swimming with thoughts, of feelings that are indescribable. sometimes i can just imagine them all lining up in a row and sorting themselves out, but if that was the case it wouldn't be called indecision or cognitive dissonance, or liminality. the only time my mind truly goes quite is when i'm listening to a song that has saved me or impacted me in such a way that i thought never would. ever had that split second where you're listening to a song and the severity of your revelation of it's meaning to you could fucking bring tears to your eyes. it damn near takes your breath away.
i've come to the conclusion the only way i can fully eliminate the bad from my life is by leaving behind all elements of my past. but certain elements of my past are in my present. and those individuals and things mean more to me than i ever thought possible. my family obviously: my brother and i have become more close over the past couple of years, perhaps because hes now an adolescent but we share common interests so it makes for great conversation. my grandparents have truly been there for me and supported me and helped me and for that i am so greatful. but theres my friends too. theres 2 people that i rely almost too heavily on, but theres a friendship there unlike any other. these two people i can tell absolutely anything without blinking an eye. they have been there for me and seen me at my worst, but yet, stuck around. i can easily say that these two people know the most about me than any other people have ever. i'm not sure i ever anticipated creating friendships such as these. then there's another incredible individual who has come into my life more recently and i feel as if we're old friends, it's just there. i dont know if i'm just crazy, but there was never any of that typical initial friendship awkwardness that sometimes occurs when meeting people. so now the count is up to 3 who have made the most impact in my life, their thoughts, actions, and just everything blows me away. i suggest everyone has friends like these
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